Crimson Tide
by ReneeGoetz
Summary: Bella's monthly gift is unexpectedly early. Will Edward, and the rest of the Cullen's for that matter, be able to resist? Silly little one shot. Mild language.


If you were in Forks this September, you probably know that Team Fireball hosted a fic chat. One of the activities we had was for attendees to guess if a fic summary was a real story or if we'd made it up. So I contributed a handful, but the response to these fake summaries was generally good and a person or two showed interest in seeing some of them become real stories. So this is one of those stories. Just a silly little one shot because it always bugged me that Bella never had a reproductive system until she was suddenly prego. This one's for Team Fireball. Love you guys hard.

Thank you to Mah and Mel Cooley for their red pens and input and encouragement.

Obviously I intend no copyright violation and all that stuffing.

Mmmmmmm. Stuffing….. Is it Thanksgiving yet?

* * *

 **Crimson Tide**

 **Bella**

My alarm blared in my ear, and I vaguely wondered why as I shut it off. It was summer vacation, prom and the disaster preceding it firmly behind us. There was no school for two months and I didn't work on Tuesdays.

And then he was there. Bronze-haired and golden-eyed and bushy tailed, ready to go.

That's right, we had planned to spend the day at his house, possibly go to our meadow later on. I finally smiled back at him, and his crooked grin widened.

"Just give me a human minute," I whispered, trying to aim my morning breath away from his face as I spoke.

"Of course," he answered as he pulled back to give me room. "I'll just wait right here for you, love. Take your time."

A human minute turned into more like a human hour. Freshly showered and teeth brushed, I returned to my room where Edward was still laid out on my bed. I swear he hadn't moved an inch. I stepped into the room and in a flash he was standing right in front of me.

"Are you ready to go?" As he asked this, he put his hand on my back and began to guide me out into the hallway. Normally I appreciated his chivalry, but not today. My back involuntarily tensed and I automatically stepped away from him.

"Do you _always_ have to be touching me?" I snapped at him.

I immediately regretted it and seeing the hurt on his face was a stab to my gut.

"I'm sorry, Bella," he said, slowly drawing his hand back. "I- No, of course not." He managed his smile back and gestured toward the stairs. "Ladies first?"

I looked down and nodded, feeling the hot flush of embarrassment at my outburst as I stepped past him. Halfway down the stairs, I suddenly felt like the waistband of my jeans was digging into my stomach. I stopped to assess. These jeans were definitely too tight.

 _What did I eat yesterday?_

I turned around and looked up at Edward. "I'm so sorry, I have to change my pants."

He, understandably, looked perplexed.

"What's wrong with your jeans?"

I sighed. "They're too tight. I'm sorry, I'll only be a second." I moved around him and jogged back up the stairs and into my room, where I dug around in my closet.

Nothing was acceptable.

 _Ugh!_ _Alice will kill me, but…_

When I came back down the stairs, Edward raised an eyebrow when he saw my new wardrobe choice.

"Alice is going to love that." He chuckled and opened the front door for me.

"I know, but nothing else was fitting right," I tried to explain, looking down at the navy sweat pants. "I'll have to have Charlie get the dryer looked at. It must be shrinking clothes."

He, wisely, didn't respond to that statement and instead just held the car door open for me.

The ride had been mostly silent, with the exception of Debussy drifting softly from the speakers. The guilt was eating at me the entire time. Why had I snapped at Edward like that? That was so not like me. He hadn't done anything wrong. And I _liked_ when he touched me, normally. He had no reason to think that he _shouldn't_ be touching me. It was the norm. I was so angry with myself and as we turned onto his long driveway, I realized our time alone was running short.

"Edward, I'm sorry about before," I said. "For snapping at you. I don't really know what came over me."

Edward smiled and took my hand, lacing our fingers together.

"It's all right, love," he said. "Forget it happened."

I smiled back at him, squeezing his fingers. What did I ever do to deserve him?

We pulled up to the house about a minute later and Edward helped me out of the car. As we were about halfway up the front steps, the door flew open and there stood Alice, gaping in disbelief at my pants. She started to say something, but suddenly my temper flared once again and I cut her off.

"You know what? Save it Alice!" I seethed. "Not all of us are vampires. _Some_ of us are human whose bodies change day to day and sometimes I just want to be comfortable! Is that too much to ask for?"

Alice's mouth snapped shut and her eyes went wide.

 _Oh no, not again! What is_ wrong _with you today?_

"I'm sorry," I said meekly. "I don't know what's wrong with me today."

Her eyes briefly glazed over as she stared past me and then shook herself out of it and smiled at me once again.

"Oh, don't worry about it Bella," she said, totally back to her chipper self. "It happens. Come on in!"

Alice glided to the living room, where Jasper and Emmett were arguing over whatever video game they were playing. Edward pulled me behind him to the piano, and sat me down next to him on the bench and began to play.

After my lullaby and a couple other Edward originals, he began to take requests and Emmett jumped on the opportunity to get Edward to play Black Sabbath and Metallica covers. In the middle of "Enter Sandman," that uncomfortable pressure on my stomach started up again, only worse. It felt like I had to…

"I need a human minute," I blurted out as I stumbled off the bench and booked it upstairs to Alice's bathroom. She never really used it, of course, but I knew hers would at least have sprays and perfumes should I need them.

I kicked the door shut as I just about leapt at the toilet, yanking my sweatpants down as I went. As soon as I was situated, I waited.

And waited.

Nothing was happening.

What the hell was with me today? Crazy mood swings, pants don't fit, and now a phantom number two?

It was like a light bulb clicked on in my head. I counted backwards. And counted again. The numbers definitely didn't add up, but I looked down at my underwear and, sure enough, glaring back up at me mockingly, was a spot of blood. I was a week early.

And I was in a house full of vampires.

 _Shit._

I sighed and slouched in on myself, shaking my head, just as a high trumpet sounded.

Only that was no trumpet.

Emmett must have realized that too, if his booming, foundation-shaking guffaws were anything to go by.

 _I can never leave this bathroom again._

In that moment, I was fully prepared to barricade the door and curl up in a corner and wait to die of utter humiliation.

And then common sense returned to me. As if Emmett had never passed gas when he was human? He was just fulfilling his big brother duties, teasing me at every possible opportunity. It was his way of accepting me. I knew walking back out there wouldn't be as bad as I thought it would be. As long as vampires weren't attracted to menstrual blood.

 _Oh, God, I'm going to die._

It didn't seem like anyone had smelled it yet. I cleaned myself up as best I could, washed my hands and began frantically searching through all of Alice's cabinets and the closet in her bathroom, desperately hoping she had a box of tampons… pads… Depends! Anything!

Finding absolutely nothing of note (aside from the riding crop resting in a cowboy hat in the back of a bottom cupboard - _Ew, Alice!_ ), I rolled up a thick makeshift pad with toilet paper, pulled my pants back up and flushed the toilet. I went back to the door and, without opening it, called for Alice.

"Yes, Bella," she said from the other side almost immediately.

"Alice, I have to go home," I whispered.

"What, why? And why are you whispering?"

" _Ssshhh_!" I whisper-yelled. "I got my… monthly. I have to leave! But I don't want to… _tempt_ anyone."

Alice's tinkling laugh carried through the wood. Was she _laughing_ at me?

"Oh, Bella, you don't have to leave because of that!" She said this at a normal volume. So much for subtlety. "We go to _high school_ with teenage girls getting their periods all the time. That blood doesn't hold much appeal to us. It's pretty much all dead by the time we smell it. Can I come in?"

I opened the door slowly to see Alice's smiling face. "I saw what was happening, that's why I forgave you when you got here."

Esme appeared suddenly, holding out a bag from the Chinook Pharmacy in town. "Alice sent me as soon as you got here," she explained. "But there was terrible traffic. There is a book signing at the new arts center across from the pharmacy. I'm sorry it took so long, dear."

I took the bag from Esme and forced myself to smile despite the situation. "Thank you Esme," I said. "Are you sure I don't have to leave?"

"Not at all, Bella," Esme assured me while Alice nodded. "Just take care of everything and come back downstairs."

They left and I did what I needed to do, safely tucking the box of tampons away (nowhere near the riding crop and cowboy hat) for later use if this happened again. I really hoped it wouldn't. I was usually pretty regular, so this totally blindsided me. It had to be all the stress of the spring's events finally catching up to me.

I finished with everything and went back downstairs to join everyone else. Edward was still playing his request game and was just finishing "Don't Stop Believing" when I took my seat beside him.

Emmett waved and grinned and said, "Everything come out okay, Bella Bean-o?" And then he winked.

I don't remember much after that except Edward whisking me away to our meadow. He says it was because he didn't want me to break any bones trying to punch Emmett in the face. But he had an odd expression when he said it and I still suspect he was a little bit worried for Emmett's safety.

The End


End file.
